People Who Do Not Need People

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players."

— Shakespeare

We all know the benefits of having people in our lives who love, support, encourage, uplift, or give us needed perspective. It can be very hard to live on your own. In our society, we seem to fall into relationships, or fall into or out of love, as if by chance. Few people are aware of what shapes their relationship choices, the patterns of behavior which determine their satisfaction or not, or the criteria by which they choose people in their lives (consciously or unconsciously). Sometimes we choose partners in life for rather superficial reasons, similar tastes, culture, interests, romance — and are not prepared to deal with the deeper issues that often arise. Certainly, we are never taught about this in all our "education." Ideal relationships are virtually nonexistent, yet how many of us imagine we have found them, daily, throughout our society — in every marriage. We "see" in people what we imagine they are like, what we expect them to be, or what we hope we can make them. Or we imagine we see ourselves in them. Or we just accept each other as we are, and neither one has any impetus to learn, to grow, to change.

Seldom do we see people as they are, because we seldom look deeply into our own selves, to learn who we are, first. Because our own issues eventually come up in relationships, many people in our society "solve" this problem by getting divorced, finding someone else who sees them more as they wish to be seen, and then ... doing it over and over, each time problems come up. No matter how common this pattern is in our society, it is not really the solution to the underlying problem. The solution is not to find someone who can see no wrong in you, so you never need to learn, grow, or change.

There is a reason why the divorce rate is around 57%, today. One generation's illusions about life, its lack of true discernment, and its lack of wisdom, is handed down from one generation to the next. Chief among these illusions is the value of emotional neediness, which is believed to be some sort of blessing. It is not. Being "needy" or feeling a lack inside yourself is the means by which you are set up to attract or fall for something wrong — someone who caters to your illusions. You have a lack and they have an illusory fix for that unfilled part of you. But, that just doesn't work very well. One day you wake up, and the illusion is just gone; and the pain, disappointment, and suffering you feel seem a lot more real. Or, as they say, "the honeymoon is over."

Emotional neediness — whether a feeling of great lack or dependence — is not right, good, or true, no matter how common or mutual it may be. And it is certainly not a sound basis for a progressive relationship. Yet that is what society cultivates, so that you will endeavor to "fit in" and be accepted. Children today are largely being failed by their parents, who were probably failed by their parents, and on and on. Few of us are fortunate enough to have been raised with love, nurturing, acceptance, wisdom, and goodness — and without anger, guilt, expectations, programming, ignorance, or bad examples. Most often we are molded and modeled after those who raise us. In our society, we have to pass various tests to get a driver's license, but just about anyone can become a parent.

Parents tend to hand down their own emotional neediness, programming, role playing, biases, and conditioning to their children. It is incredibly egocentric and irresponsible to imagine that all you have to do is raise a child to be just like you, and they will be just fine. That is living in denial. It is a refusal to see your own problems or limitations for what they are, combined with a willingness to mandate them in your child's life. Sometimes parents just do the best they can, with the sincere hope that their children will truly be better for having known and been loved by them. However, much of the time, parents feel it is their role in life to "spoil" their children; shape and control their lives; squash their independent thinking; govern their "good" behavior; program them to think and act as they do; make them emotionally weak or needy; or set them up to fail or be unhappy in their own relationships. This happens every day, in every society, in every nation, around the world. Just go to a mall and watch the mother and daughter teams seeking their mutual fix for their mutual shopping addiction — and their inner emptiness. They have certainly not found the true solution to their problems.

Society lives in denial, which means the denial of all that is wrong with it. It prefers you to be unaware of what is bad, wrong, exploitative, or evil. In other words, it sets you up to have problems, like everyone else. It sets the traps, sends you blindly into them, and then extracts as much suffering as possible from you. Does this sound like any relationship or marriage you may have ever found yourself in? It is called a "toxic relationship," and it is quite common, today. read more ...

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